“Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life”,
by Pauline H. Tesler, M.A., J.D., & Peggy Thompson, Ph.D.;
ISBN 10: 0-06-088943-8
5
star must reading.
[The following is what I
highlighted during my read of this excellent book -- I recommend it on my
Top-ten List of Peace resources. My purpose in providing them is to
interest you, the reader, and hope that you will obtain and read the complete
work. To properly understand the highlights, you need to read the book to
put them in the proper context.]
“…
your goal: the best divorce the two of you are capable of achieving. … Keeping
the focus on best intentions and good decision making in light of that reality
is what collaborative divorce is all about.”
“Courts
as an institution are set up to find fault and allocate responsibility, and not
much more.
“Here’s
the good news: during divorce, it is entirely normal to experience a wide range
of emotions. Some of them, you now know, are part of how healthy people
adjust to losing a major intimate relationship. Others grow out of that
welter of false beliefs and unrealistic expectations connected with marriage and
divorce that nearly everyone in our society accepts before seeing them more
clearly. … When strong feelings take over, we quite literally cannot think
straight … people can rarely achieve their own “best divorce” working
alone. They need the right professional advisors… The
Collaborative divorce process provides coordinated resources that give divorcing
individuals and couples the specific kinds of help they need to make good
decisions, even – perhaps especially – at a very hard time.”
We
assume that your goal is the best divorce you and your partner are capable of
achieving. Such a divorce would protect your children, help you retain
your dignity, preserve your finances, allow you to have a cordial relationship
with your spouse in the future. A good divorce builds your self-esteem.”
“It
helps protect your future relationship with your spouse by informing both of you
fully … about the financial realities of your marriage and divorce in a way
that eliminates pointless arguments about economic issues. It also teaches
you and your spouse new ways of problem solving and conflict resolution so that
you develop useful skills for addressing your differences more constructively in
the future. Further collaborative divorce:
“In
a collaborative divorce, you and your spouse will each have your own
collaborative lawyer. … The Lawyers’ responsibilities include:
“Collaborative
lawyers are hired solely to help you and your spouse get to the best possible
agreement, entirely outside the court system. … In the words of one of our
colleagues, ‘I want to help you end your marriage in such a way that you can
dance together at your daughter’s wedding.’”
In
it they recommend using Collaborative Divorce Coaches (in addition to
Collaborative Divorce Lawyers). Coaches bring “perspectives and skills
that only a mental health professional can offer. … Coaches provide emotional
encouragement, teach stress management and communication skills, explore
parenting concerns, and help ensure that both partners’ needs, concerns, and
feelings are understood and expressed in constructive ways.”
They
also recommend using a Child Specialist, who “give children a rare opportunity
to voice their thoughts and concerns and to be heard on the issues that are
important to them without having to feel divided loyalty.
“…
many couples save not only time and anguish but also money by including on their
divorce team professionals skilled at working constructively with the welter of
emotional issues that can arise during divorce. … Unresolved conflicts, fueled
by miscommunications and unacknowledged powerful emotions, are the driving force
behind high-conflict divorces and the high costs (both emotional and financial)
that result.”
“Most
people we work with require two or three four-way meetings with the coaches,
four to six four-way meetings with the collaborative lawyers, and two or three
meetings with the financial specialist. … If real resolution – the kind of
resolution that looks as good ten years from now as it does today – is your
goal, you should be prepared to commit the time necessary to reach it.”
“…
the road map of the process, beginning with information and moving through
interests, values, consensus, and brainstorming before reaching resolution.”
“Beginning
a collaborative divorce with lawyers can be difficult when emotional volatility
is high. If you have a relationship in which arguments are intense and
frequent, it might be better to start with coaches, who can guide you from the
very beginning to communicate in more constructive ways. … couples who begin
with the coaching process are likely to do important work with coaches and other
team members for a while before shifting over to work more intensively with the
lawyers. … Most collaborative lawyers will want you and your partner to
have at least a fist consultation with coaches … before the legal work moves
forward. It’s wise to do this, so that coaches will be available quickly
if and when they are needed.”
“Once
the two lawyers are on board, they’ll find out basic information about your
situation, confer with each other, and make recommendations about who could do
good coaching in your divorce and who might serve you well as a financial
consultant.”
“When
all other issues are equal, consider using a coach of your own gender.”
“The
search for lasting solutions to the complex problems facing a divorcing couple
begins with a candid sharing of information about facts, priorities, values,
concerns, and fears. … lawyers can’t usually do the jobs of an entire
collaborative team on their own.”
“…
your particular needs, concerns, challenges, goals, and vision for the future
… which issues have emotional weight, where communication can be improved,
which important personal hopes and values must be respected, and which parenting
issues may have financial and other implications …”
“…
facts about the inner world of hopes and fears, ethics and beliefs, personal
integrity and connections to others. This realm – we refer to it as the
‘inner estate’ or ‘relational estate’ – matters greatly to most of the
people we work with. Judges can’t issue orders about it and so it
generally isn’t on the radar screen in old-style divorces …”
“…
think about the qualities and principles that would characterize a good divorce
process and outcome … highest hopes for him- or herself, for the other
partner, and for any children …”
“…
sitting together in the same room with your spouse and the other lawyer and
saying to each of these points ‘Yes, I understand’ and ‘Yes, I promise’
… forms a reservoir of good-faith understanding and commitments …”
“…
‘mission statements’ and ‘statements of highest intentions’ … each of
you describe in simple, broad, value-based terms what the ‘best divorce’
would look like …”
“With
coaches on your team, it is they who will do much of the ‘inner realm’
information gathering…”
“…the
next phases of the collaborative legal process: developing options and reaching
resolutions…”
“…your
lawyer will help you:
“Divorce
isn’t easy, but most couples really do want to reach a financial settlement
that is workable for both spouses. Once the facts are clear, seldom does
either spouse insist on a scenario that is obviously unbalanced, unreasonable,
or impractical.”
“In
short, a collaborative divorce team doesn’t just give good advice, teach
skills, and help you negotiate agreements. Your professional helpers are
skilled ‘process managers’.”
“…
the hardest part of a divorce can be learning to handle the intense emotions
that so often accompany it.”
“…
where parents want the best for their children during and after the divorce,
they must learn how to communicate clearly with each other …”
“The
purpose of the conversations with coaches is not to find solutions to legal
issues but rather to help you address with your partner in constructive ways the
emotional complexities that can interfere with clear thinking throughout the
collaborative divorce process, particularly at the legal table.”
“Typically,
each partner may have three to five private meetings with his or her respective
coach before gathering in coaching four-way meetings. … It is especially
helpful to start with coaches rather than collaborative lawyers if you and or
your partner are in an emotional crisis at the start of your divorce.”
“…
the hardest work of all: listening to and understanding what your partner is
saying to you.”
“Often
your coach will ask you to talk about your marriage and your marital partner
using questions such as these:
“…
your memory of your marriage will be a permanent part of your internal life
history. … The dramatic changes in your life that occur when a marriage ends
actually open up a great opportunity for postitive change, if you’re willing
to do some dreaming and planning. … you have nothing to lose and everything to
gain by considering this difficult passage as an opportunity to learn how to
make changes that can substantially improve your life after the divorce.”
“Children
become quite distressed if a parent simply disappears from their daily lives
without an explanation that makes sense. … Children need to know that there is
a plan for them, and for regular contact with both parents, that they can rely
on – and parents need to ensure that the plan is honored consistently.”
“Helping
parents talk with their children about divorce is one of the earliest and
highest priorities in the coaching process.”
“…
make up stories to help them understand what is happening that can be much worse
than the truth.”
“…
not immune from the myth that divorce necessarily means war. If you can
tell them together that you plan to divorce in a noncombative, collaborative way
(without fighting), it helps them to see that you will both still be acting as
good parents for them.”
“Your
coaches will help you and your partner sort all this out and learn effective
ways of talking honestly and appropriately with your children in ways that
protect them and help them feel well cared for.”
“You
can assure them that they, too, will be part of the process and will have a
person to talk with, since the divorce is going to change their lives, too. …
Getting into the collaborative divorce process quickly is important if your
children are already having to adjust to marital separation.”
“…
offering them the opportunity to work with a child specialist.”
“Children
are better off not being given false assurances. They can tolerate the
unknown as long as they know that their parents are working to create a plan.
… talk … in constructive ways that tell the truth and avoid blame and
judgment of the other parent …”
“…
communicating a great deal of accurate information about goals:
“…
your joint mission statement in the coaching process can be an elaboration of
what each of you may have already brought forward as individual statements of
your highest intentions at the legal four-way table.”
“…
future-focused planning and dreaming of new opportunities in your life is the
hallmark of the new-style divorce and will be a key part of your recovery
process.”
“Composing
a joint mission statement with your coaches gives both of you the opportunity to
think ahead about events that will challenge you to make good choices about your
behaviour as you divorce and as you cope with rapid change following the legal
divorce.”
“…
allowing an opportunity to forgive each other for the failure of the
marriage.”
“The
child specialist starts by meeting with both parents to hear their perspectives
and concerns and then meeting with the children – privately, unless they are
very young.”
“Next,
the child specialist will meet with you, your spouse, and both your coaches in a
‘five-way’ meeting to discuss your children’s concerns and needs, while
providing perspectives about what is working for your children and what could be
improved.”
“The
child specialist’s work is not psychotherapy. It is not intended to deal
with extreme emotional disturbances but emphasizes divorce-related changes and
challenges. … For the sake of the children, this is generally done as soon as
possible.”
“…
creating a permanent parenting plan at the time of your divorce makes very
little sense. … assuming that change will happen and building in ongoing
reviews at regular intervals.”
“Consensus
means that each partner has shared understanding of exactly where you are
aligned and exactly where you differ, based on full and complete information
about the inner- and outer-world facts of your specific situation.
Consensus building focuses the problem-solving efforts that will follow exactly
where they are needed.”
“A
couple reaches consensus when they have:
“You
can realistically expect to achieve a broad, overlapping consensus with your
spouse about outer-world facts, because most outer-world facts can be pinned
down if you keep on gathering and sharing information – which is exactly what
your team will insist upon.”
“And
you’ll reach consensus about inner-world values and priorities about the
divorce. Whether that consensus includes recognizing a broad area of
overlapping interests and values or recognizing a broad area of differences,
you’ll understand what matters most to each of you.”
“Once
consensus exists, fears generally receded and confidence that a solution might
be found grows.”
“Using
this foundation, your ultimate settlement agreement can truly resolve (rather
than paper over) divorce issues because it will represent your best effort to
respect the deepest values of each of you …”
[this is up to page 147 of 266]