Betrayal, Trust, and Forgivenness

A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal

By Beth Hedva, PH.D.

 ISBN -13: 978-1-58761-096-7

5 star must reading.   [The following is what I highlighted during my read of this excellent book -- I recommend it on my List of Peace resources.  My purpose in providing them is to interest you, the reader, and hope that you will obtain and read the complete work.  To properly understand the highlights, you need to read the book to put them in the proper context.]

Foreword

·         Betrayal is strong medicine, a real catalyst, the ultimate homeopathy.  Things get worse before they get better.  It’s a medicine for our time.

·         It’s a paradoxical time, when suffering accelerates personal development

·         The last few years have brought us an infusion of psychological and Spiritual technology.

·         Intuition is the way of telling the difference between projections fuelled by pain, and the genuine insights that direct a new course of action.

·         …we  remember our greatest moments as the times in which we changed.

 

Preface

·         At the core of all this righteousness, underneath it all, I feel betrayed!

·         These devastating events evoke righteous resentment, suspicion, fear – all symptoms of our feelings of betrayal.

·         ….the myth of Psyche

·         Betrayal by our intimates initiates experience of separation, alienation, and emotional distance.

·         …this book reframes the experience of betrayal as a spiritual event in one’s life.

·         …five phases of initiation: separation, purification, symbolic death, new knowledge, and rebirth.

·         This initiation from betrayal to trust has five distinct and treacherous emotional ordeals:

1.       Righteous resentment. 2.  Bitter resignation.  3. Attribution….self-betrayal.  4. Denial.

·         This book  will give you step-by – step instruction on how to turn inward rather than simply  act out, to transform the five emotional ordeals of purification – resentment, denial of the positive, cynicism, self-betrayal, and paranoia – into five spiritual teachings: 

1.       Find.  2.  Compassion.   3. Intuition.  4.  Commit.  5.  Free.

·         ….you will learn how to apply personal  betrayal-to-trust learnings to collective concerns, to act as an agent for the spiritual evolution of social consciousness and global healing.

 

 

Chapter 1

Journey from Betrayal to Trust

A Universal Rite of  Passage

 

·         This is a profound sense of trust in your Self, your inner Source of wisdom, healing, and love – a higher power within the psyche that brings each of us to and through every experience in life, including betrayal.

·         ….archetypal,…….universal in nature.

·         With archetypes, one’s personal stories are actually reflections of profound universal forces.

·         ….betrayal can generate beauty and kindness?

·         …ghost from our past

·         …childhood wounds and re-wounding by our intimates

·         ….faithful companion

·         ..’return to the father’s kingdom” – symbolizing the spiritual nature of this psychological journey from betrayal to trust.

·         And the prince who lost his human form through no fault of his own, suffers rejection at the well and is flung against the wall for being a frog. 

·         However, as result of knowing each other, both princess and frog change radically – into a bride in her full authority and a beautiful, naked knight.

·         When our golden ball of  consciousness is returned to us even if it is returned by a frog – we are irrevocably altered.

·         …as the frog and the princess were intrinsic to each other’s transformation of consciousness.

·         …the impact of hitting the wall destroyed the frog form and revealed a prince with beautiful, kind eyes.

·         In advanced initiation rites, knowledge is primarily received intuitively from inner sources.

·         Henry reminds us that we will be delivered, that we will return to the father’s kingdom.  In this journey, the truth within our heart guides the way home to our source.

·         …the whole community benefits from the added contributions of the individual.

·         …separation is a sacred event imbued with supernatural powers.

·         …trials that are designed to shock the initiate out of a state of complacency and move into a sacred and expanded state of consciousness.

·         …tradere..  “to hand over”

·         …these the five Emotional Ordeals, test and trials of the betrayal – to- trust initiation of the soul:  Resentment, Denial, Cynicism, Self-Betrayal (Spiritual purpose is the soul challenge if this test), Paranoia (This is a far from trust as one can possibly get).

·         …let go of false identities and old ways of being that are no longer appropriate or no longer serve the soul’s greatest good.

·         ..the spiritual warrior chooses to act instead of react from anger, fear or grief.

·         The spiritual warrior is trained to confront reality as it is, and accept death of the ego as a part of the spiritual journey of life.

·         No matter what you say, think, or do, the betrayal happened just the way it did.  At last there is no need to struggle anymore.

·         Betrayal leads to a symbolic death, and through symbolic death, innocence and naviete die.….trust cannot be fully realized without betrayal. 

·         Only after betrayal, when one knows the risks and trusts anyways is true trust established.

·         There is only one fear, and that is the fear of loss of self.

·         …express itself….through two seemingly opposite forms in our interpersonal relationships.  – fear of  rejection or abandonment, and fear of engulfment or enmeshment.

·         The spiritual Self is never lost – yet it must be found.

·         …accept that there is an inner Source, a higher power within the psyche that brings you to and through every experience in life,….

·         This infinite, omniscient intelligence already knows what you need in order to heal.  This is the truth that sets us free – free to live fully instead of continually dying.

·         …there is a meaning or purpose.

·         …giving birth to the truth…

·         Trust is the act of faith that inspires us to live in truth.

·         Trust grows from listening to a deeper truth within – a message from the soul of one’s being.

·         Turn inward to discover your deepest truth.  To thine own Self be true.

·         Relax your body and mind and release fear, then receive intuitive guidance.

·         Use the tools you have, both inner and outer resources to gain greater awareness.

·         Speak the truth.  Share your dreams. Take a stand.

·         Trust the process that continues to return to your Source within.

·         ….trust and truth come from the same root word.

·         …treow…

·         Fidelity, faith and loyalty to the Self is the sacred vow of the initiate.

·         The deeper your roots, the more stable your growth.

·         Aristotle says that intuitive reason allows us to know truth without the need for proof.

·         Each time we turn inward and contract our inner Source, trust builds.  We are renewed by being reborn into Self-awareness.

·         …we remember the sacred truth -  we are not alone.

·         Our family and friends are bound to betray us just by the fact that they are human, not God.

·         As one mature, instead of looking for divine perfection in one’s human companion, one seeks union with one’s  perfectly divine inner Self.

·         Intuition…provides all the protection we require.

·         …one may use a variety of psychic and intuitive resources to gain insight and understanding.

·         A quest for meaning –to understand your soul purpose, teaching, or lesson – often provides new awareness, a truth that sets you free.

·         There are many ways to create contact.

·         In the birth phase, we learn to relax, and let these forces guide us to our highest good,  the birth of a new self.

·         Rebirth is the phase in which you integrate the spiritual teaching as it relates to the fulfilment of your new role, and you re-enter into your community.

·         …we need to be patient with our growth process.

·         You become aware of how much you have changed.

·         A sense of appreciation for yourself, and all that you have become.  You  feel alive and excited about life.

·         Spiritual teaching:  Turn inward for truth.  Discover and express your deeper truth.  Learn to develop and use good communication skills when you share your truth with others.

·         Spiritual teaching:  Relax, release, receive.  Develop compassion for yourself and others.  Learn to relax your fear reactions. Release  self-righteousness by recognizing both positive and negative traits within yourself.  Continue to receive inner direction.

·         “Release attachment to outcomes”.

·         Spiritual teaching: Use intuition to understand. Seek to understand the highest good, deeper meaning and special gift or soul purpose that is unique to you and that furthers your personal and spiritual growth.  Learn to develop your intuition, using both inner and outer resources, to gain greater awareness.

·         Unconscious projection of our personal betrayal wounds onto groups tests our collective ability to resolve complex issues of our world today.

·         Spiritual Teaching:  Speak, share, stand up. 

·         Commit to the fulfilment of your soul’s dream. 

·         Learn to take a stand in life, speak your truth, and share your dreams.

·         We betray our friends and family who like us the old way.

·         Right action based on inner guidance becomes our way of life, both the process and the path.

·         Spiritual teaching: Try again and TRUST. 

·         Remember that you are free to be yourself and to fulfill your vital dream. 

·         Learn to allow others the same freedom.  ACT, and TRUST the process that takes you on your soul’s journey from betrayal to trust and forgiveness.

·         Trust the process that takes each of us from the death to life.

·         We provoke each other to die and be reborn.

·         We are being trained by an infinite intelligence to trust the forces of evolution that are at work in our world.

 

 
Chapter 4

Betrayal of the Beloved:

Gateway to Wholeness – Union between Self and self

 

Wound

-          If you suffer from a betrayal by your beloved, your sense of unity and partnership has been injured. 

-          Your heart aches, and you feel broken instead of whole

 

Truth

-          Relationship, as a spiritual path, catalyzes personal discovery of an inner Self who knows (Mother) and directs (Father) each partner toward wholeness. 

-          The unconditional love between the higher Self and the ordinary self is reflected in the couple dynamic as creativity, commitment, cooperation, and intimate companionship.

 

Healing

-          Reunite with the One within who will never abandon you or mislead you.  Move beyond the wounds of childhood inflicted by the betrayals of your mother and father, and discover your Beloved, your inner guardian and guide on your path to wholeness.

-          Make the commitment to creatively cooperate with your inner companion, then make the same commitment to your outer companion.

 

·         Unmet security needs from childhood surface in the couple dynamic.

·         When needs are not met, one or both partners act out and wound their beloved in the way they were hurt in childhood.

·         Our partners present us with potent life lessons.

·         Intrinsic to the stress of a love triangle is the power to inspire an individual to recognize and heal his or her inner wounded child.

·         If your acting like your personal mother or father with your partner, or feeling like a wounded child, you are being asked to rediscover the spiritual Mother and Father of your being – to rebirth and re-parent yourself.

·         One seeks to unite with the Beloved, with the Source of  unconditional love within one’s being.

·         Betrayal of the beloved awakens the quest to find one’s true soul mate, the faithful inner companion.

·         Linda realized that she had been relying on Eddie to give her a sense of herself as an attractive, passionate woman.

·         Linda’s image of herself did not depend on him.

·         “Trust, trust, trust, - you don’t know how this is going to work out, but one way or another, it will work out.  Trust”.

·         …there was some intrinsic value in every experience.

·         …understand that she did not have the power to make or break the situation with Eddie.

·         …being tested to be present with herself and all her experiences throughout  this process and to set herself free from feeling responsible for events outside her control.

·         Marriage is a spiritual path.

·         …seek and find her inner companion, the one who lovingly guards her and guides her to wholeness.

·         Possessive romantic love, which demands fulfilment and obsessively determines to gain the affections of a love object, is an expression of lust rather than passion. 

·         Lust is a form of idolatry in which a mere mortal id deified.

·         Passion arise from an immortal spark.

·         Passion requires that one surrender to a greater force within one’s being.  This is the force of love.

·         Because of the confusion between lust and passion in romantic love, both Eastern and Western mystery schools have considered this to be one of the most difficult of initiatory tests.

·         Union with one’s physical lover opens the gateway to union with the nonphysical Beloved.

·         It is a challenge that is all but incomprehensible to our modern way of thinking about sexual relations…

·         …tantric schools …

·         …reveal, the intricacies of the science and an art of erotic love. 

·         Many a warning still goes out to the unlimited to watch for the perils of obsession and addiction, which are the pitfalls on this path to the divine.

·         The shift from personal to impersonal love is a delicate matter that we each learn…

·         …..Eddie was under the sway of the goddess’s attractive force and was challenged to discover the subtle distinctions between lust and passion.

·         Something was irrevocably different and would never be the same again.

·         …grieved the loss of her illusions about love and marriage.

·         …discovered a deeper truth together….

·         They decided that marriage was a personal commitment to be with oneself and another human being through the process of transformation – to be companions on the path.

·         Trust is a spiritual practice, not a spiritual accomplishment.

·         To continue to risk in spite of opposition, counterinfluences, or discouragement is part of the practice.

·         Acted out primarily at an unconscious level, as many as 69 percent of married women and 66 percent of married men report involvements in extramarital relationships.

·         The third party is not always another person. 

·         The test of true love is evoked  by anything that impassions or possesses you.

·         Paradoxically, your inner Guardian helps you establish personal limits that simultaneously block you from intimacy and project you from a union that could injure or wound you.

·         Mastering your fears liberates you from self-imposed restrictions.

·         …virgins….purity of soul….

·         The archetype of the Guardian acts as an ego-boundary function in service of the higher Self. 

·         The Guardian requires respect.

·         Whether to push or accept is not determined by anyone outside of oneself.

·         Making this choice is the function of the Guide.

·         Monogamy, as a spiritual path, is a commitment to one, and only one, person.  Numerologically, the number one represents independence, individuality, primal cause, and that original action that sets creation into motion. 

·         The mystery of multifaceted, multidimensional expression (i.e.., the many ones merged into a single One) is intrinsic to the mystery teachings of monogamy.

·         Monogamous relationship challenges each partner to respect the other’s individuality, and to foster both independence and a sense of oneness within the primary relationship. 

·         This is achieved through actively initiating an exploration of the multidimensional facets within oneself and one’s partner.

·         Betrayal of the beloved, like all betrayal experiences, returns us to our deepest sense of  purpose in life.

·         We are here to live our ideals, rather than project our ideals onto a love object and presume that this person will fulfill our expectations.

·         Become what you desire. For example, if you want respect, respect yourself and be respectful of others. 

·         One heals self-betrayal by taking a stand in life and by committing to the fulfilment of one’s vital dream or vision by living it.

·         …the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

·         First, make the commitment to creatively cooperate with your inner companion.

·         Then you make the same commitment to your outer companion.

·         To be of secondary importance in Cindy’s life  provoked resentment and feelings of self-betrayal for Margo, the first and fourth stages of the traditional betrayal response.

·         …negotiation…

·         …cooperation would move us from conflict to creativity, because cooperation takes imagination, honesty, communication, and negotiation.

·         The wisdom of the inner Guardian, on the one hand, tell us when to say no. 

·         The inner Guide, on the other hand, takes us to that create solution that ennobles us and empowers us to fulfill our greatest potential and soul purpose.

·         I defined negotiation as a process that means to “give to get”

·         …the Guardian presents the test to those who seek to reunite with the Beloved, the creative Source. 

·         The use of the word no is not a personal rejection.  Think if the word no as an invitation to explore and to become creative.  The Guardian is bested through a battle of wits in fairy tales, not through domination or power struggle.

·         Let your curiosity guide you through the Guardian’s gate into the arms of your creative Self.

·         …intimacy  (“in – time – I – see”).

·         Intimacy is a celebration of differences.  Contrast is key.  Intimacy urges a tolerance of differences, a confirmation of commitment, and an abandonment of the power struggle.

·         We make a commitment to ourselves first – to the fulfilment of the deepest values of our spiritual Self.

·         Intimacy follows personal liberation, regeneration, and rebirth as a result of transmuting one’s personal karma via psychic contact with deep inner resources.

·         Betrayal of the beloved trains us to be true to ourselves while simultaneously learning how to support another individual in the same process.

·         Marriage gives us a safe place where we can practice living our values.

·         We learn to risk being ourselves in our world.  Freedom to be one’s spiritual Self in this world is risky.

·         Our beloved outer companion provides us with a place to practice, experiment, receive feedback, and refine ourselves so we can turn inward, gain new insight, and try again.

·         Intimate partnership trains us to express unconditional love and to meet the Guardian’s challenge to become ever more creative in our interpersonal relationships. 

·         The couple dynamic is a testing ground for the development of creativity, commitment, cooperation, and intimate companionship. 

·         These interpersonal skills enhance all the significant relationships in one’s life.

·         The archetypes of the Beloved, Guardian, and Guide are working through us as we become agents of a social transformation of consciousness in service of the spiritual evolution of humanity.

·         The one –on- one focus of the seventh house oversees both marriage contracts and business partnerships. 

·         Seventh house alliances are symbolized by the air sign, Libra, and have planetary associations with Venus and the asteroid Juno. 

·         Key concepts include monogamous partnership, cooperation, harmony, equality, and balance.

·         The seventh house relationship path reflects Jim’s values and visions.

·         Work with your inner companion:

1.      Turn inward to discover a deeper truth

2.      Remember to release attachment to outcomes and relax you body and mind before you use intuitive resources to receive a new perspective.

3.      Use your intuition to gain insight into what insecurities, wounds from childhood, old patterns, limiting beliefs, or expectations are blocking you from your full creativity, from being your most fulfilled Self in your present situation with your partner.

4.      As you take your stand with your beloved outer companion, challenge yourself to be creative, committed, cooperative, and intimate in your communications with each other.

5.      Remember to use feedback as a signal to turn inward to remove further blocks and discover an even deeper truth.

 

 

Chapter 9

Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness

From Retribution to Reconciliation

 

·         The key to any transition depends on how we build a bridge between our unenlightened past and our greatest dreams for the future.

·         Instead of looking to the old ways, or to external standards to determine justice, we must turn inward to discover our truth.

·         Spiritually, forgiveness suggests that we reclaim and respect rejected or disowned aspects of ourselves  - a process that ultimately requires us to return to and redeem the power of our transcendent Self.

·         We recognize our essential unity.

·         Self-redemption requires personal courage and creativity as well as culpability.

·         We do more than just right wrongs.

·         We begin to actively engage in building a new future, here, now, moment by moment. 

·         It requires a new level of participation, a full commitment to give – forth all of  who and what we truly are – creative beings engaged in both personal and social transformation.

·         …an example of what happens when one is put in the position of either betraying one’s duty, as determined by external, sources, or betraying one’s self, as dictated by a deeper  truth expressed through the still, silent, whispering voice of conscience.

·         Spiritual freedom is the essential teaching of the fifth emotional ordeal of the betrayal- to – trust initiation of the soul.

·         Being free to be true to the dictates of conscience ultimately heals betrayal and allows us to redeem ourselves in our social relationships.

·         It requires a personal awakening to the deeper truths that in essence we are all one, we are all free, and our spiritual journey is without end.

·         How would it be possible for us to have any impact?” Stages one, two, three, and four of betrayal are all contained in that question….

·          “It depends on if you believe in tyranny and oppression or in freedom and peace.

·          I, for one, believe that we are moving toward peace, and that we will eventually all come to know that gives us more advantage and is ultimately better for everybody concerned”.

·         “If you see oppression, speak out for freedom. 

·         Whether it is here or there, or anywhere else does not matter as much as letting your voice be heard”.

·         …people began to derive inspiration from their involvement….

·         Instead of looking to past traditions for tried-and-true answers to the meaning of life, cultures in transition seek new answers from nontraditional resources within the community.

·         Postfigurative, cofigurative, and prefigurative cultural models describe the shift in authority as culture evolve.

·         …elders cease to be experts on living when social change accelerates.

·         The act of looking to one’s contemporaries for guidelines on living Mead calls configuration.

·         ….a prefigurative culture….

·         It is society’s youth who hold the vision of the future.

·         The future is the dream child of each individual within the culture.

·         Expressing one’s dream for the future is the first step.  Building one’s dream, and making it reality, is the next step.

·         This take creativity, cooperation, communication, compassion, commitment to one’s dreams, and spiritual freedom.

·         Then personal healing extends to societal healing.

·         …..the birth of society and the renewal of a golden age for all of humanity requires the discovery of a unifying, meaningful vision that all peoples can embrace.

·         Though we may forget, we are living in legendary times.

·         These are paradoxical times…

·         …we are in the transition stage of  rebirth – moving toward integration.

·         …a man relates to the world:…

·         …as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he (is)….either one-up or one-down.

·         In this (man’s) world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from other’s attempts to put them down and push them around.  Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence (and status) and avoid failure….

·         …( a woman is)  an individual in a network of connections.  In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus.  They try to protect themselves from other’s attempts to push them away.  Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation.

·         To the Romans and Greeks, the patron goddess of culture, history, and the arts was Venus-Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty.

·         In this ancient mythos, Venus – Aphrodite, was the only divinity who had any affection for Mars-Ares, the Lord of War.  From their union, divine Harmonia (harmony) was born into the world.

·         Compare this offspring to Mars-Are’s  other progeny, Phobus (terror), Deimus (Trembling) and Panic.  Ares “has a train of attendants on the battlefield……His sister is there, Eris, which means Discord, and Strife her son.  The Goddess of War, Enyo – in latin Bellona – walks beside him, and with her are Terror and Trembling and Panic.”.

·         Our battles within the psyche and our socio-political battles evoke strife, discord, terror,  trembling, and panic.  But in the presence of  divine love, our aggressive or defensive Mars-like nature is transformed.  Harmony is born.

·         The archetypal pattern suggests that we unite Mars and Venus within our being to bring harmony into our lives and into the world.

·         To grow we must follow Venus’s example and embrace and redeem the  forgotten, unconscious, unforgivable, offensive, hostile, or regressed elements within ourselves and within society.

·         It is important for us to remember that we are in a global cultural transition right now – a transition to a golden age that unites all the world’s peoples.

·         We can expect that all the old patterns that have been killing us socially, economically, politically, and historically – these old, betraying ways – will become even more intense until we push through this transition to a new way.